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Name: Stella
Gender: Female
Interests: Dancing, playing the drums, enjoying good company, enjoying good tastes, reflecting, spoken word, hotties, performing, poetry, listening to good music, trying new things, love, creating, whatever else tickles my fancy...
Expertise: Learning how people and things are
Occupation: Brand Manager
Industry: Fashion
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
3/18/2004
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| I’m looking for
that perfect piece to fit my puzzle.
I found it once, but it was attached elsewhere.
I think it fit, but that wasn’t where it was supposed to go.
My puzzle is now ready,
It’s more clear what is to be filled in.
The other pieces are filling in
The picture is coming together
But still, there is a hole right by me
Yes, I’m hole
But I was meant to be a part of something bigger.
How will I connect to all I’m supposed to without you?
I hate to say I need you
But maybe that is just how we were all cut.
You, to be by me, and me, by you.
Where are you?
I’m ready to let you in.
. . . i am thankful for not holding on the the upset. . .
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| I just realized: right now, I wouldn't let myself go back to San Diego. Sure, for cautious visit, ok. To visit others there, ok. But to be there, to live there, I'm frightened to even be close.
I didn't know I was so vehemently opposed.
Tonight, I was thinking about past and my timeline thus far. San Diego has of course been and will always be significant to me, so I easily let myself think on that. Then I thought of next steps, my move here, where I may want to be later, if I would return "home." But I thought, "That's not home."
Or is it?
I experienced a new set of emotions when I came across this stream of consciousness. I don't even know what they were. I know they were strong. I know I was moved from a relaxed reminisce and interested reminding into a more passionate reaction. It's not just that I'm happy where I am, it's that I can't go back.
It hurts to just say that. There is nothing I can't do. And yet, my mind automatically blocks me from returning? Why? Because it would be a return, not something new? Because it's unresolved? Because it hurts? Because of pride? Because of love?
I don't know. It would be nice to be close to family. I could handle a different pace. And I don't think it's right for me right now, but nice to have thoughts of future. So what's with this adamant and strong knee-jerk that I won't do it, I just won't do it?
I love San Diego. I know that. I can't so much say it. . . I just paused to really realize that I do love San Diego.
I thought that finally I was over it. There were good times, there may be more, San Diego is this wonderful and yet tricky piece of my life, and I hope the future holds more wonderful. I'm not going to dedicate myself to that, but I'm not cutting it off. I'm strong enough to be with it.
But I forgot, I do love San Diego. And only really said it once.
I guess the story does continue, even if just with me trying to make it work in my life. Still. Again.
. . . i am thankful for heaters that work. . .
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| He and I have an unexpected, slightly odd, real, and truly soul-connected relationship. After meeting through friends and their vouching I was in good hands over 3 years ago, he immediately became a player in my game of life and held his presence strongly even when circumstances would seem to have not had it that way.
We came to meet as I was in need of help and he was able to help. Right off the bat, it was clear he would take care of me, just because I was a friend of a friend, just because the friend asked, just because that's the way he is. He was commissioned to take photos, and he not only focused on how they turned out, he was even more concerned that I feel comfortable and be ok. I didn't really know how to react to such kindness from a stranger, but also knew not to doubt it since everyone in our mutual circle swore he was one in a few they would trust, especially with me. Turns out, he's now one in the very few I trust with my all in my life.
During the photo session, we clicked over a similar sense of humor and both being smart asses. After the photos, we coordinated or attempted to do so as there were more photos to be taken, but they never were. I was moving and he is a schedule-packed guy, so things didn't quite turn out as intended and I prioritized moving cross-country over finishing the project or becoming further friends.
And yet, our story didn't end there. We kept in contact, which I never really understood why and yet I knew that was what was needed each time one of us reached out. I'm not quite sure what role he played in my life at the time, but he was in the top rotation of majors in my life. He was this comfort, this reassurance, this mystery that seemed completely normal. I never really stopped to try to make sense of it, but it's probably best I just let it be.
One time, he was traveling through my neck of the woods and we tried to work out reuniting. With schedules and locations needing to somehow work together and me being irritable, he still managed to solidify his place in my life. In response to an annoyed and pissy me, he said, "If I just get to high five you, I will be happy." And I knew he meant it. I knew there was no front, nothing required, no expectation, no explanation. And I let my guard drop so I could see what a great person he is.
Over the months after that reconnection I considered him in different lights. Did I just admire him? Was I interested in him romantically? Could that even work out? Had I misjudged him? Was I grasping for something to hold onto? Was this a game? Each time I stopped to consider our relationship, I had different answers and thoughts on it. But never once was I afraid of him or how it would play out. All was perfect for what it was, and I felt safe.
I'm not quite sure how it happened, but we became close. Inner circle close. At first it seemed I was just an admirer of his being and looked to him for answers and help. But someone doesn't help me the way he has with ulterior motives or short supply of care. He started to take over as the person I wanted to confess to, the one person I forced myself to be absolutely real with, the one who would cheer me, the one I thought of when I needed happy. It didn't always come easy, but it seems the hard obstacles were overcome by us being multiples of how tight we were prior to each hurdle. I think maybe the acknowledging of our weird development as friends pushed us to be honest in ways most people are not, but I know it wouldn't have turned out the way it has had we not also somehow been on the exact same plane of who we are to each other.
I can't really say who we are to each other nor do I really care to try to figure it out. But I am certain there's something inside both of us that allows us to be the real us with each other.
I remember the time I confessed to him that he was important to me. I wanted him to know how I saw him because I saw him as the rare person others try to be but aren't really at heart. I wanted to share that and not let it go unexpressed, even if he thought I was weird or off. I saw him as one of my saving forces and such a positive one through hard times. In my confession, he not only accepted it and understood what I was saying, he shared what was going on in his life. My heart nearly broke in two as he told me of what he was dealing with, but in the same moment I was so glad I was able to be there. Finally I could be a sliver of what he was to me.
Now he is a mentor, a positive force, a person, a challenge, an honest reflection, a true friend to me. He knows secrets of mine and I some of his and I have no desire to ever tell. He has my loyalty and love in his pocket, and I know they are just fine there.
I only hope I can be all he needs me to be for him just as he is for me. That's what these friends do.
. . . i am thankful for friends pointing out the awesome things I sometimes forget. . .
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| When I feel most calm, in the midst of it all
When I'm least annoyed with humankind;
When I know I can cry and then laugh it off,
Those are my times with you.
We can take silly pictures,
And share dark secrets,
Or make fun of the way people tuck in their shirts.
We can sing off tune,
Or really belt out and croon,
When together my pain melts away.
You listen to my complaints,
Even when I think they're too much
And you coach me through it
No matter how many times.
Your successes make me cry with joy,
And I want to kick any and all who act like a stupid boy
As I see you deserve only the best.
I wish I could protect you
And be around you all the time,
Cause somehow it just seems better.
It's like we're the same, and somehow balanced just right,
And I hope things never change.
. . . i am thankful for Jessie Williams. . .
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| Flies, flies everywhere
Flying 'round my head.
Flies, flies everywhere
I wish that you were dead.
. . . i am thankful for peaceful Saturdays. . .
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